Plate theory as it relates to relationships.
A relationship (any, not just romantic) can be thought of as a big pile of plates. The size of the pile represents how much emotional investment each side has into the relationship. Every time somebody "uses" the relationship, a plate(s) is taken off the pile. When someone "invests" in the relationship, a plate(s) is added to the pile.
A relationship (any, not just romantic) can be thought of as a big pile of plates. The size of the pile represents how much emotional investment each side has into the relationship. Every time somebody "uses" the relationship, a plate(s) is taken off the pile. When someone "invests" in the relationship, a plate(s) is added to the pile.
As the number of plates in the pile reduces, tension in the relationship mounts until such point that it breaks irrevocably. Thus it's important to maintain some level of plate equilibrium such that the pile doesn't diminish to dangerous levels.
What determines the number of plates on the pile?
A couple of factors:
- Each individual's own "pile of plates"; we all have our own stock of plates that we invest in the relationship. Some stocks are bigger than others, representing greater tolerance and patience. One's own stock level fluctates (sometimes quite wildly) over time. Individual plate management is a topic for another time.
- The importance of the relationship. Some relationships (e.g. marriages) are more important than others. You are willing to invest more of your plates into important relationships.
What uses plates?
A plate is taken off the pile and smashed on the ground by:
- Doing something that doesn't meet the expectations of the other, whether the expectation is reasonable or not. One may see an action or expectation as completely reasonable when the other does not.
- Shouting and arguing
- "Selfish" acts; not neccesarily being selfish per se, but an act that benefits only one often at the expense of the other
- Demonstrating lack of concern and empathy for the other
- Being a negative influence
- Infedelity, which could take a baseball bat to the base of the pile!
What replaces plates?
Plates can be added back onto the pile by:
- Small (or large!) acts of kindness. These acts need to be acknowledged (even if only quietly) by the other for a plate to be replaced (i.e. a truly selfless unseen act unfortunately does little to replenish the pile).
- Investing in the relationship, spending quality time together doing something you both enjoy (note: watching telly doesn't count!)
- Talking through expectations, issues, life plans to "get on the same page"
- Allowing the other to follow their interests outside of the relationship
- Being supportive and a positive influence
The Diminishing Pile
The pile has a number of states:
- Honeymoon period: there are loads and loads of plates, nobody can do any wrong ("it's just another plate") and the relationship is fully of positivity.
- Water under the bridge: honeymoon's over, there's been some issues but nothing you can't deal with, there's still loads of plates on the pile, but you're aware the pile needs management to keep it stocked up. This is the target for equilibrium.
- It's not fair: the pile of plates is running down, there's been too much taking and not enough giving, the pile is only going in one direction (hint: not up!). Bickering is more apparent, with occasional unresolved flare-ups.
- Running low: the pile of plates is running way low, you're constantly on edge and snapping at each other, flare-ups seem like the end of the world and unresolvable. One side can't see the other's point of view clearly, if at all.
- All gone: there are no plates left and the relationship is in tatters. It's likely irrevocable, too much damage has been done and the energy to replace plates has long since departed. The End. Game Over.
Before all your plates have gone, make sure to buy some more!
